Personal Thoughts of Hell

On the latest truth or dare game with some friends, I got this question: "what do you fear the most?"

No need to think, I answered "hell"...

Then I was asked "Why didn't you answer God?"

Well, here's the thing. 

God doesn't scare me. Why should He? He always loves me, teaches me, guards me, be beside me when even I wanna leave myself dying alone. I love Him more than anything, of course. I adore Him and I always try to understand every hidden messages He tries to tell me through everything that happens.

What I do scare is making Him angry, and knowing that He will punish me so bad, which is through hell. 

I deeply think about death, the after life, and hell so often. When I do, I get too nervous and scared. My heart races so fast.

Many times I question why I do exist in this world just to do sins and rewards, then get punished in hell *to clean my sins then enter the heaven, aamiin*.

There are even more times I wish I just don't exist. Because I'm way too scared of hell. I wish I wasn't born.

I think that's the effect on how religions always taught us more of the concept of sins and rewards, heaven and hell.

Well idk. Probably it's way more human to teach us the meanings of why we should do good and not do bad instead of scaring us, and that's the way I always learn about my religion, my faith. I do not learn it simply by looking which things I do will give me rewards and which things will give me sins. I do learn to understand the reasons, messages and meanings of everything. Not only applying it to my faith, to other faiths also.

Just see, how many times our parents just told us to do A B C and avoid doing D E F without even telling us why? The only explanations coming from them are either "it's a sin" "you should do that to enter heaven" or "the bible/quran says so". 

I don't think that we are curious and critical to know and learn about the message, as much as we are being critical in judging how religions are wrong, human conception or just something that will jail us from freedom in life.

Just like doing it to our parents, when they get mad at us, we will tend to dislike or get mad or criticize them back instead of calming down our ego and trying to understand their reasons.

And I think religion is like parenting. Parenting the whole world. It's so damn hard. Wrong way, wrong result.

But then at the end religions will only teach us whats right and wrong. The guidance. But how we do it, will be back to each of us.

Oh God, really. I just wish I don't exist. But then to overcome it, I cannot do anything than trying my best to make this limited time I have to be worth it, not only for me, but for others as well. It might be cliche, but that's the only way out. I cannot just ask God to turn back time and never let me be born, it all already happened.