A Random Thought

Life is not as sweet as movies, or at least life is not even near with it.

At this stage, I think people in my age have realized many things. Things that we didn’t really expect to know, or notice.

Not because we don’t want to discover new things, but it’s probably because this is so ugly as a truth. An ugly truth.

At this stage, I’ve come to realize that life is so cruel, yet it mostly doesn’t go the way we wanted to.

Not that because we’re not grateful of what we’ve got, but just… too many shits happen that we even have no word to express. Speechless.

The ones you thought as best friends, are actually only “your friends”. Or even the ones that stay as your close friends, don’t really fit you whole-ly, and some parts of them just hurt you indirectly.

More movies that you watch, make you realize even more that your life is such of boredom.

That feeling when you don’t know what you’re feeling. You’re empty but you’re still happy. You feel miserable but you’re so grateful with things you’ve accomplished. You feel bad about yourself, but people surround you keep telling how good you are.

At this stage, I’ve come to realize, life is not like a movie where you meet a guy unintentionally, you guys have a little chit chat, hook up for some few days, then you both fall in love perfectly in the “forever” scene. Even when shit happens, it only lasts for a few moment.

At this stage, I’ve come to realize that we can’t even depend on anyone. Not even your family, nor your lovers.

You just keep wondering what people will tell the others when you’re dead. You keep wondering what they will remember about you when you’re gone. You even keep wondering either they will remember you or not.

It’s quite hurtful when you give everything to just get a really small thing. You study everyday and work your ass off just to get a medium grade or even just to get a medium job and salary, while watching lots of people are so happy with the fancy stuff they have and but not using their own money. Nothing’s wrong with that, they have everything, while you don’t.

You are willing to do so much for people just in hope they will do as much as that when you really need that. But people disappear anyway.

Or, when you feel that you’ve done enough for people, suddenly they appear with full anger and throwing all of the little shits you’ve unintentionally done, while you keep forgetting and forgiving theirs all over the way. You don’t even remember that they’ve hurt you that deep. But a little scar you made on people under the accident, it becomes a big damn cut.

Sometimes you feel like you’re giving up, but then you realize that it’s only your overthinking that kills everything. You’re just ok, you’re just fine.

But then, you realize again that you’ve just been in silent all this time. You keep your own shits, you hold you grudge and let no one knows because you don’t want them see you hurting.

You keep telling and showing people that you can’t cry, but you know it kills you too deep, even deeper than what people feel when they are crying. You keep holding your tears upon some things related with love story, but you can’t stand it even just to see a homeless suffering. You even start your day crying, but right when you meet people, you wear your mask and laugh. Not because you forget your pain, but you bury it anyway.

Sometimes, when it all just feels too much, like you don’t even have any idea what’s going on. Because you’ve buried all of your feelings long long ago. Everyday, you let yourself be feeling-less. Not because you think you should not show you sorrow to people, but just everyday you realize that no one gives a shit about you. Some times you see that people only act like they are listening to you while they are not. Nobody needs to see your business.

Then all those pains, sorrows, all those feelings you’ve buried everyday, have just been a really big combination of shits. And when the smells blow away, it’s just all mixed and makes you feel nothing is fine. It makes you sick. It makes you dizzy. Like your world is twisted.

It's just... sometimes you know that you need to throw it all out. Because most of the time when you need someone to talk, no one is there. And when someone is there, you don’t even know how to tell it because again, you bury your feelings as fast as when you’re feeling it.

When you're not even sure if God understand your thoughts and feelings. Not because you doubt Him. But because you can’t even explain it on your prayers, on your wishes and on your conversation with Him.

Your way of always trying to figure things out, finally has killed yourself. Killed yourself and get you dying in pain. In sorrow.

At this stage I finally realize, we should not being too attached with people and think that they are really there for us. Not because we should be heartless, but just…be feeling-less. Not everything goes the way we wanted to. And when we don’t get things we want but we’ve tried best, probably our “best” is not enough for God. Probably we should work our ass even harder.

The one you really love, don’t love you back, don’t even have an eye on you. The one you saw put some efforts on you suddenly leaves you hanging nowhere. The one whom you know loves you since the beginning, you know you’re never work out with anyway. The one whom you thought had so much fun with you, slowly but sure disappear and there is no fun anymore. Or even the one whom is not yours anymore, live in their own. Sometimes you want them back, but you know you actually don’t. you’re just missing the moment, not really the person.

Everything is blur. Nothing is so sure.

All you have are you, yourself, and God.

People change, hearts move on, friends have their lives, you have yours.

Well now, I don’t even know how to close this. I didn’t even start it nicely. But well, it ends. The words are just being buried as fast as I bury my feelings.