My Confession 1.0

“seorang Okta, kapan gak marah? Kapan seorang Okta tidak terlihat atau terdengar marah? Gak pernah!”

“When is the last time Okta does not seem angry? Okta, not look or sound angry? When? Never”

The joke, the statement, keeps surrounding my mind up until now.

It’s been forever I have the predicate of an angry person.

But it’s been forever as well, I have kept this feeling deep down inside from people, in wish that I do not want to hurt anyone, or else, I do not want anyone to know my sorrow. The only reason is that for me, people will not care with my personal sorrow, they do not have time to listen to my story, and even though listening to my story won’t make them understand as well.

Dealing with anger management is not easy at all. At all.

I think I know the construction of us, being a human being. From a kid, we never really know or acknowledge who we are, how we act to people, or how we do things. Up until we are growing up, teens to adults, adults to old, through human interactions, we will discover who we are, how we act and how we live our lives. We will discover whether we are a nice person, whether we are an introvert, extrovert, or any other kind of personality.

But the question would be, when we didn’t acknowledge who we were, we didn’t even acknowledge every stories who made us the way we are today.

Coming back to my case. I did not know who I was, up until my teenage I realize how people perceive the way I interact with them. The only judgement or myself portrayal I get from people (who told me) is that either I’m an angry person, have that “slap me in the face” expression 24/7 or that I cannot “chill”. The truth is, I have always tried my fucking hardest, not to be those all.

Tracing back. Trying to find out how I could be the way I am today. No one would really understand, no one would be willing to listen to the story and no one would seem to care. But I do not care. I think this is the time I have to just shout it out.

No one really see that the way I am today has been shaped by my whole life history. Yes. I wish my mom is not a single parent. Yes I wish our family condition has been much better than how we have faced all of our lives. Raised by a single parent with a really bad financial condition, was never been so easy for her. She has been too tough to understand, has been too tough compared to other mothers. It was the only option she had, since we got no father to be the fierce yet stronger figure in our life. It affects, the only figure we (I and my sister) got in our life, was the tough-strict-full with anger-discipline mother. The way our mother raised us, has affected us for the whole life we will continue our own lives.

We never knew how to be handled softly by a mother after our father got mad at us for our mistake. The only thing we knew was that, we did mistake, then our mom got mad at us. No one calmed us down. We never knew the feeling of not getting the money from our mom, then asking to our dad and getting it. The only thing that we knew was that when we did not get the money from our mom, means we will not get it at all from anyone or anywhere. We never knew the feeling of mumbling, complaining of how hard our school was or our day was, then get pampered by mom then get advised by dad. The only thing that we knew was that once we mumbling…wait, we never are allowed to mumble. Neither to complain on how hard our school or day was.

Not because we were raised to be a stone-hearted person. But because we got no chance. Our mom knew well that she cannot let us be a soft girl, not even a small percentage. Because she knew, we will have no one backing us up once we got weaker.

No I’m not blaming my mom, not even blaming my fate. But this is one thing that I never let people know. My past.

People just see who I am today. The fierce, intimidating, fully confidence, academic and career whore, or a dream achiever. On a bad side, they see me as a person who always seem to angry, cannot chill, cannot calm down, or too scary as a woman. None of them try to see the reason why I am today, why I am the way I am right now.

I know that it is impossible to make people listen to my story first then to understand me. But one thing that I do regret from society, they seem never try to a bit understand or see that I’ve been trying so hard. I knew exactly how bad I was back in first semester when I will easily yell at my friend when they did something bad. But people do not see how big the percentage of me reducing to yell, the percentage of me avoiding to have any problems with anyone.

None of them even try to see that I have listened to people more than I share about my life. None of them even see how I’ve been trying so damn hard to blend with them, to chill, and to smile more. But once they see me on the street walking alone with no expression I make (that is what I thought), the only thing that will come out of their mouth was that “why do you seem so scary while you’re doing nothing?”

I wish I do not have this kind of face. I wish I did and never had anger problem. I WISH I WASN'T BORN AND RAISED AS A STRONG PERSON. I WISH I WAS NOT RAISED AS AN (TOO MUCH*) INDEPENDENT WOMAN, I WISH I WAS NOT RAISED A LESS-HEARTED PERSON.

I just wish people know. I just even wish my close surrounding know (while in fact up until now they still do not know). You still do not know and notice at all.

I wish you guys know how every time you make jokes on how fierce I am, how I always seem so angry, seem so manly because I seem to be feeling-less, or how I get tempered easily, every time I get any of those jokes, I do really hurt so deep.

The only reason I kept on laughing with you guys, with that joke, is that because I understand you make that as a joke. Well, but the joke based on reality you see on me, right?

Because I know, once I tell you I get hurt with that joke, I will be seen as over-sensitive, not social, and overreact. Probably none of you know that this judgement towards me, has been one of the biggest factors of my depression that I just faced 2 months ago.

I wish I have that face of girl who seems to always be cheered up, that sweet faced girls, or that girl who seems to have a really soft heart. I wish I do not, and will never again get your judgements. I wish I can never hear anyone ever again saying that I’m always angry, and it’s “so okta” as a person will get angry or pissed off easily by other people. Or probably I am. But the way I feel to be perceived is so different. I have never been perceived as a person who gets angry due to a mistake another person make. Instead, I have always felt to be perceived as a person who gets angry, because I have always been so easy to get angry and because that is me.

What hurts the most is that, when I thought those closest people who have been with me through years, I thought they will already understand this and will never make jokes about me again. I thought they will see how hurt I am every time I get that jokes. While the truth, no. those closest people are even still the ones who keeps throwing me those judgement. Now I question again. Are they really my closest ones?

I truly am tired. I cannot lie, that I seem to be a person who do not think deeply about people’s judgement. Or probably that’s what my face shows, right? The truth is, I really do care. I do think deeply on how people judge me. And this one, through this stupid writing, I just wish now people know how deeply I hurt by the judgement. How I’ve tried my best to deal with my anger management, yet I just my effort to be appreciated or at least acknowledged.